Best Confrontations in Sports: Peyton Manning Edition

So that’s two successful articles in a series. What’s next? Well, curious reader, I’ll be taking the route Universal went with for the Despicable Me franchise and create a heavily annoying and underwhelming spin-off, which is sure to be a bust at the box office. I hereby dedicate this article to none other than Peyton Manning. Here’s a little short and sweet article that, hopefully, packs a real punch.

VS. A RECEDING HAIRLINE

If there’s one thing that comes to mind when one hears “Peyton Manning”, it’s the forehead. Seriously, that thing just sticks out. I don’t know what his eyebrows did to his hair because whatever it is, they do not want to be anywhere near each other, opening up that shiny face-dome America has become accustomed to. That thing is shinier than Mr. Clean, Blue Cross Arena, and Chip Skylark all combined. Also, if we are actually going to consider this a battle, it’s already over. That forehead is just conquering more and more territory with nothing standing between it and the ultimate goal: the back of Peyton’s head. I’m also relatively confident that his helmet could fit on top of all four of the heads at Mount Rushmore. That thing has some serious baggage to its name.

VS. JEFF FOXWORTHY

What if I told you to imagine what comes to mind when you hear the name Peyton Manning, but you can’t use the forehead? Well, of course you’d picture some form of the word “Omaha!” being yelled emphatically. This makes sense, but what the hell is Jeff Foxworthy’s name doing in this section’s heading? Well, if you haven’t made the connection yet, he was the host of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, the show where adults shamed themselves in front of an audience. And clearly, Foxworthy would have the upper hand on Manning, who would have to either cheat or incorrectly answer the section titled, “Fifth Grade Geography.” Time and time again, we see Peyton use this during a pre-snap ritual. But you know what? If I was his opponent, I’d be licking my chops when I heard this because this guy doesn’t know anything about U.S. geography. How about another city in Nebraska? Like Lincoln? Or even jump to a different state entirely. Let’s expand our horizons and try cities like Sacramento, Scranton, or even Eugene.

VS. EMBARRASSING ADS

How about the third thing that comes to mind when you think of Peyton Manning? You’d be lying if you didn’t think of some form of Papa John‘s and the Nationwide jingle. I think I’ve even seen him in a Buick, which is about as believable as LeBron driving a Kia. Here’s the thing: all these ads are trying more and more to go over the top and make themselves the next funny thing in the world. So now I have to watch Joe Montana make idle chat with Papa John and Peyton Manning, while next observing Peyton losing a game of ping-pong to a child and getting scared at the movie theater by himself in a Nationwide commercial. Seriously, am I supposed to expect that Manning will go by himself to some antique theater to watch Paranormal Activity 10 while I can go watch Taken 3 at Eastview in recliners? Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned the worst ad. Of course, DirecTV roped Eli into this one, but Cooper was left out for some reason. The guy is very mild-mannered and what hair he has is groomed accordingly, so he makes the perfect guy for some commercials that move him out of his comfort zone. In short, I liked Peyton much more before he became a commercial sellout.