Long-Winded Critique: The Last Airbender (Part 3)

The Last Airbender: a Step-by-Step Angry Review (Long Winded Critique) Part 3

By: Kidane Malik

(This is Part Three of the review; if you missed Part Two, check it out here)

When we last left off, Aang was traveling to the Northern Air Temple and was betrayed to the Fire Nation by his fat villager guide while in a room surrounded by statues of his past lives. If you recall, I was too busy ranting about how uninspiring and unbearable the movie is because of horrible, unemotional acting and directing. Honestly, this movie makes me glad the characters I love so much aren’t real. Could you imagine seeing them misrepresented this horribly in another movie or play? I cringe! (If you don’t know what I’m referencing, watch the Ember Island Players S3E17, it captures their reactions perfectly if they had watched this movie.)

So, we continue with our season one Wikipedia recap. A character called the Blue Spirit breaks Aang free, and they fight their way out of the fortress. I smell a Shyamalanian over-long, overused tracking shot coming up! Guys, tracking shots are fine, but when you use them for every single fight scene, it not only gets old, but it also slows the action down. It’s too obvious the actors have to wait for the camera to get into place, thus taking a fight sequence that could be really quick and impressive and instead have half of it be them just standing around doing nothing. That’s why we have editing, you dummies! If part of the shot didn’t work or was hard to see, you edit it out! But here, screw it! “I just want to show off that I can do this in one shot!” Okay, great! You can do it! It looks cluttered, slow, and incredibly awkward, but HEY! You could do it! Give that man a tediously, obnoxious directing award! I think it’s the same one that went to Spike Lee just a few years earlier! But I digress.

So the Blue Spirit rescues Aang, and it’s revealed that Zuko is the Blue Spirit. There are two reasons this curious scene was left in the movie rather than just having it cut out. One is that Zhao and Zuko are in a race to bring the Avatar to the Fire Lord. Whoever is first wins power, prestige, and so on. The other reason, of course, being just so Shyamalan can shout… “What a twist!” Ah, you knew that was coming.

Actually, to the film’s very little credit, Zhao, Zuko, and Iroh are probably the only decent actors in this film. They perform their parts well and probably have the closest thing to emotional moments this film could muster. That is, before it’s cut off needlessly for more exposition.

So Aang and the team finally make their way to the North Pole, and wait. Oh, God. Is this it? This has got to be it. Please, tell me this is it!

[Shot of Princess Yue from the back enters the camera frame as Ode to Joy plays.]

Oh my gosh, it’s even more phallic than I imagined! The stories were true! Gaze into the Holy Grail of comedic possibilities! There are too many jokes to choose from! Which one should I go with? Which one should I go with? Um . . . This one! Hey! What does she use for a headband, a censor bar? (rimshot)

Oh-ho-ho-ho, magnificent! Oh, thank you, Mr. Shyamalan! Thank you for this unintentional hilarity!

Now, in the show, Sokka and the princess of the Northern Water Tribe (Princess Yue) become friends, eventually leading to a romance that would ultimately end in tragedy. Let’s see if the movie does, too.

Katara: “My brother and the princess became friends right away.”

And that’s all you need! Yes, all the emotions and character developed are just be summed up in that one sentence! Gosh, Shyamalan’s writing knows how to cut the fat of all that pesky caring! Geez, why do we listen to all that cheesy talk in Hamlet when it could’ve been summed up with “The prince didn’t like his uncle.” [Roll credits.]

Okay, they do have one conversation. But thankfully, it’s not used to develop character or form a strong bond. It’s for – you guessed it – more explaining!

So both Aang and Katara master their waterbending from Billy Connolly/Theoden, and, apparently, there’s no stopping their incredible abilities now. [Nothing is happening] Look at all that water fly. Nobody dare cross the phenomenal power that these two –

Here’s another problem with the movie: the bending really takes forever (as seen in the earthbending prison camp scene). The original bending in the show keeps the action quick and exciting as action should be. Maybe two moves could do something impressive. But here, I could heat up a Hot Pocket before these guys do anything exciting, and I don’t even eat Hot Pockets!

But, with the Fire Nation getting ready to attack, the Water Tribe gets ready to defend themselves [Pakku sounds the battle cry of “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!,” and the Water Tribe soldiers pound their spears against the ice] with a call that lures everyone into a false sense of hilarity, while Aang tries to figure out a way to fight them off without killing anybody, as, of course, it is not the monks’ way.

Aang then comes across the Moon and Ocean Spirits, Tui and La respectively, who are disguised as koi fish. Yeah, that wasn’t the best explained part in the show either. Anyway, Aang meditates to find a solution to his moral dilemma, kill everyone or let everyone die. Katara bravely volunteers to stay with Aang in the garden while he sits and does his thang. I should point out that Katara doesn’t seem like the best person to look after him. I mean, don’t get me wrong. In the other version, it made sense. She had a kind, mature heart, but also the focus and strength to kick some butt. Nobody in his or her right mind would dare cross her. But in the movie, she, I don’t know, pushed a guy that one time or something?

Well, maybe she’ll finally be allowed to show her real strength when Prince Zuko comes and tries to take Aang away. And seeing how she made it very clear how Aang is her responsibility, she’s going to do everything in her power to make sure nothing happens to him.

[Zuko easily overpowers and knocks out Katara] And Katara suuuuuucks! But Aang wakes up and escapes from Zuko using the most witty and masterful approach possible: reenacting a Tom and Jerry routine!

Things, however, go awry when Zhao finds the Moon Spirit and kills it, destroying not only the Moon but also the Tribe’s barely impressive waterbending. But because the princess was given part of the Moon Spirit to save her when she was younger, she sacrifices her own life in order to put the Moon Spirit back in its place. This results in Zhao getting axed, Slumdog Millionaire returning to his uncle, Aang raising the waves to scare the rest of the army of—by the way, for someone who can’t kill, I don’t think those Fire Nation guys made it out okay—and a “To Be Continued” that, thank the Lord, will never be continued(maybe). Funny, with Azula at the end of the movie there, they actually thought there were going to be two more of these (there actually might be.) God help me if they ever put those out. Yes, I’m sure she’ll join the Super Mario Bros., Skeleton, Buckaroo Banzai, The Golden Compass, and M. Bison’s hand in that incredible, sure-to-happen sequel (she won’t)! What a piece of crap.

The movie is awful, the acting is awkward, and the writing beyond lazy. Ultimately, it fails both trying to be a faithful adaptation and a standalone movie. But at the heart of this, I learned something: This could never be a standalone movie because there’s only one Avatar, and that’s the series. It was perfectly paced, perfectly performed, perfectly animated. It was that rare anomaly that, chances are, can never be recreated. And there’s no reason to change it. And I’m pretty sure most of us can agree that Legend of Korra only makes it better. It’s like trying to make an opera by Mozart better: you can’t do it. Every note is where it needs to be. I’m sure there’ll be different adaptations in the future the same way people did with Looney Tunes, Lord of the Rings, Scooby-Doo and other timeless characters, but the point is the original characters are still timeless characters. And nothing anyone can do can change that. If anything, the bad adaptation makes us appreciate the original material even more. Really, what I’m trying to say is, when remembering the movie and how terrible it was, just know that no matter what, nothing can truly take away from or make any better what’s already perfect.

After all that opinion, let me give you some cold hard fact. An interview by IGN with the original animated show’s creators Bryan Konietzko and Michael Dante Dimartino revealed that the two decided to pretend Shyamalan’s big-screen adaptation didn’t exist at all. It also rated a 6% on Rotten Tomatoes and 4.3/10 on imdb.com—rather low and embarrassing assessments, even for a Shyamalan movie. Here is a list of “awards” and nominations just to prove I’m not making this all up. These are actual “awards” given to various people involved in making the movie the Last Airbender, and it is yet another testament of just how awful the movie is.

More bad than good, huh? Also, remember, just a few paragraphs ago when this movie has one of those sequel endings but doesn’t have a sequel? Well, as hinted at already earlier, and much to everyone’s horror, M. Night Shyamalan has announced there actually will be a sequel. In fact, he has already penned a draft of the script. Of course, this entire three-part review is extremely small compared to the “hate” he’s been getting from people and fanatics from around the world who are way more passionate than me about this. But you have to give the man credit. He’s still making movies and actually defending the Last Airbender. He’s brave at least. God help us all.

(One more thing. I had Super Mario Bros. on the list of “sure-to-happen-sequel” movies, and sadly, this franchise hasn’t given up either. Just an FYI about one of the many more glorious things to come in 2017.)

To those of you who stuck with me the entire way through, thank you all. Honestly, all the anger over this has been bottled up inside for ages, especially since I’m a super big fan of the series. Please tell me what you think! Comment and say whether or not you agree with me. I’d love to hear/read your views on the movie. If you haven’t seen the movie, don’t, it’s a waste of your time. Thanks again for reading!