Long-Winded Critique: The Last Airbender (Part 3)

The Last Airbender: a Step-by-Step Angry Review (Long Winded Critique) Part 3

By: Kidane Malik

(This is Part Three of the review; if you missed Part Two, check it out here)

When we last left off, Aang was traveling to the Northern Air Temple and was betrayed to the Fire Nation by his fat villager guide while in a room surrounded by statues of his past lives. If you recall, I was too busy ranting about how uninspiring and unbearable the movie is because of horrible, unemotional acting and directing. Honestly, this movie makes me glad the characters I love so much aren’t real. Could you imagine seeing them misrepresented this horribly in another movie or play? I cringe! (If you don’t know what I’m referencing, watch the Ember Island Players S3E17, it captures their reactions perfectly if they had watched this movie.)

So, we continue with our season one Wikipedia recap. A character called the Blue Spirit breaks Aang free, and they fight their way out of the fortress. I smell a Shyamalanian over-long, overused tracking shot coming up! Guys, tracking shots are fine, but when you use them for every single fight scene, it not only gets old, but it also slows the action down. It’s too obvious the actors have to wait for the camera to get into place, thus taking a fight sequence that could be really quick and impressive and instead have half of it be them just standing around doing nothing. That’s why we have editing, you dummies! If part of the shot didn’t work or was hard to see, you edit it out! But here, screw it! “I just want to show off that I can do this in one shot!” Okay, great! You can do it! It looks cluttered, slow, and incredibly awkward, but HEY! You could do it! Give that man a tediously, obnoxious directing award! I think it’s the same one that went to Spike Lee just a few years earlier! But I digress.

So the Blue Spirit rescues Aang, and it’s revealed that Zuko is the Blue Spirit. There are two reasons this curious scene was left in the movie rather than just having it cut out. One is that Zhao and Zuko are in a race to bring the Avatar to the Fire Lord. Whoever is first wins power, prestige, and so on. The other reason, of course, being just so Shyamalan can shout… “What a twist!” Ah, you knew that was coming.

Actually, to the film’s very little credit, Zhao, Zuko, and Iroh are probably the only decent actors in this film. They perform their parts well and probably have the closest thing to emotional moments this film could muster. That is, before it’s cut off needlessly for more exposition.

So Aang and the team finally make their way to the North Pole, and wait. Oh, God. Is this it? This has got to be it. Please, tell me this is it!

[Shot of Princess Yue from the back enters the camera frame as Ode to Joy plays.]

Oh my gosh, it’s even more phallic than I imagined! The stories were true! Gaze into the Holy Grail of comedic possibilities! There are too many jokes to choose from! Which one should I go with? Which one should I go with? Um . . . This one! Hey! What does she use for a headband, a censor bar? (rimshot)

Oh-ho-ho-ho, magnificent! Oh, thank you, Mr. Shyamalan! Thank you for this unintentional hilarity!

Now, in the show, Sokka and the princess of the Northern Water Tribe (Princess Yue) become friends, eventually leading to a romance that would ultimately end in tragedy. Let’s see if the movie does, too.

Katara: “My brother and the princess became friends right away.”

And that’s all you need! Yes, all the emotions and character developed are just be summed up in that one sentence! Gosh, Shyamalan’s writing knows how to cut the fat of all that pesky caring! Geez, why do we listen to all that cheesy talk in Hamlet when it could’ve been summed up with “The prince didn’t like his uncle.” [Roll credits.]

Okay, they do have one conversation. But thankfully, it’s not used to develop character or form a strong bond. It’s for – you guessed it – more explaining!

So both Aang and Katara master their waterbending from Billy Connolly/Theoden, and, apparently, there’s no stopping their incredible abilities now. [Nothing is happening] Look at all that water fly. Nobody dare cross the phenomenal power that these two –

Here’s another problem with the movie: the bending really takes forever (as seen in the earthbending prison camp scene). The original bending in the show keeps the action quick and exciting as action should be. Maybe two moves could do something impressive. But here, I could heat up a Hot Pocket before these guys do anything exciting, and I don’t even eat Hot Pockets!

But, with the Fire Nation getting ready to attack, the Water Tribe gets ready to defend themselves [Pakku sounds the battle cry of “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!,” and the Water Tribe soldiers pound their spears against the ice] with a call that lures everyone into a false sense of hilarity, while Aang tries to figure out a way to fight them off without killing anybody, as, of course, it is not the monks’ way.

Aang then comes across the Moon and Ocean Spirits, Tui and La respectively, who are disguised as koi fish. Yeah, that wasn’t the best explained part in the show either. Anyway, Aang meditates to find a solution to his moral dilemma, kill everyone or let everyone die. Katara bravely volunteers to stay with Aang in the garden while he sits and does his thang. I should point out that Katara doesn’t seem like the best person to look after him. I mean, don’t get me wrong. In the other version, it made sense. She had a kind, mature heart, but also the focus and strength to kick some butt. Nobody in his or her right mind would dare cross her. But in the movie, she, I don’t know, pushed a guy that one time or something?

Well, maybe she’ll finally be allowed to show her real strength when Prince Zuko comes and tries to take Aang away. And seeing how she made it very clear how Aang is her responsibility, she’s going to do everything in her power to make sure nothing happens to him.

[Zuko easily overpowers and knocks out Katara] And Katara suuuuuucks! But Aang wakes up and escapes from Zuko using the most witty and masterful approach possible: reenacting a Tom and Jerry routine!

Things, however, go awry when Zhao finds the Moon Spirit and kills it, destroying not only the Moon but also the Tribe’s barely impressive waterbending. But because the princess was given part of the Moon Spirit to save her when she was younger, she sacrifices her own life in order to put the Moon Spirit back in its place. This results in Zhao getting axed, Slumdog Millionaire returning to his uncle, Aang raising the waves to scare the rest of the army of—by the way, for someone who can’t kill, I don’t think those Fire Nation guys made it out okay—and a “To Be Continued” that, thank the Lord, will never be continued(maybe). Funny, with Azula at the end of the movie there, they actually thought there were going to be two more of these (there actually might be.) God help me if they ever put those out. Yes, I’m sure she’ll join the Super Mario Bros., Skeleton, Buckaroo Banzai, The Golden Compass, and M. Bison’s hand in that incredible, sure-to-happen sequel (she won’t)! What a piece of crap.

The movie is awful, the acting is awkward, and the writing beyond lazy. Ultimately, it fails both trying to be a faithful adaptation and a standalone movie. But at the heart of this, I learned something: This could never be a standalone movie because there’s only one Avatar, and that’s the series. It was perfectly paced, perfectly performed, perfectly animated. It was that rare anomaly that, chances are, can never be recreated. And there’s no reason to change it. And I’m pretty sure most of us can agree that Legend of Korra only makes it better. It’s like trying to make an opera by Mozart better: you can’t do it. Every note is where it needs to be. I’m sure there’ll be different adaptations in the future the same way people did with Looney Tunes, Lord of the Rings, Scooby-Doo and other timeless characters, but the point is the original characters are still timeless characters. And nothing anyone can do can change that. If anything, the bad adaptation makes us appreciate the original material even more. Really, what I’m trying to say is, when remembering the movie and how terrible it was, just know that no matter what, nothing can truly take away from or make any better what’s already perfect.

After all that opinion, let me give you some cold hard fact. An interview by IGN with the original animated show’s creators Bryan Konietzko and Michael Dante Dimartino revealed that the two decided to pretend Shyamalan’s big-screen adaptation didn’t exist at all. It also rated a 6% on Rotten Tomatoes and 4.3/10 on imdb.com—rather low and embarrassing assessments, even for a Shyamalan movie. Here is a list of “awards” and nominations just to prove I’m not making this all up. These are actual “awards” given to various people involved in making the movie the Last Airbender, and it is yet another testament of just how awful the movie is.

More bad than good, huh? Also, remember, just a few paragraphs ago when this movie has one of those sequel endings but doesn’t have a sequel? Well, as hinted at already earlier, and much to everyone’s horror, M. Night Shyamalan has announced there actually will be a sequel. In fact, he has already penned a draft of the script. Of course, this entire three-part review is extremely small compared to the “hate” he’s been getting from people and fanatics from around the world who are way more passionate than me about this. But you have to give the man credit. He’s still making movies and actually defending the Last Airbender. He’s brave at least. God help us all.

(One more thing. I had Super Mario Bros. on the list of “sure-to-happen-sequel” movies, and sadly, this franchise hasn’t given up either. Just an FYI about one of the many more glorious things to come in 2017.)

To those of you who stuck with me the entire way through, thank you all. Honestly, all the anger over this has been bottled up inside for ages, especially since I’m a super big fan of the series. Please tell me what you think! Comment and say whether or not you agree with me. I’d love to hear/read your views on the movie. If you haven’t seen the movie, don’t, it’s a waste of your time. Thanks again for reading!

A (slightly) correct explanation of “Jabberwocky”

Recently, I finished Lewis Carroll’s  Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, and, might I add, they are the trippiest books I have ever read. The poem “Jabberwocky” is in Through the Looking Glass and, though contrary to the absolute nightmare that is the  Disney live action movie, there is no fight with the Jabberwocky. The poem famous for making absolutely no sense, so I am here to help explain what this poem means. Let’s start with the poem itself. (Note: this is extracted from the original unabridged text of Through the Looking Glass, so I know it’s right.)

Jabberwocky

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy  toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand.
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy  toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Huh?

This is an absolute mess. No matter how you look at this, it still makes no sense. Let us delve into this and see just what it means. Here’s the first stanza:

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

This is still a mouthful. Let’s just take the first line:

‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

By the way, the whole first verse is explained by Humpty Dumpty in Through the Looking Glass, so I am getting this info from that. First, “‘Twas” means “it was,” but you probably knew that already. “Brillig,” according to our good friend Humpty, means 4 P.M., so around dinner time. “Slithy” means “lithe,” or flexible, and “slimy” put together in the same word. A “tove” is part lizard, part badger, and part corkscrew. Soooo… this? Yes, very interesting.

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

So “gyre” means to go around like a gyroscope, and to “gimble” (pun intended) is to make holes like a gimblet. A “wabe” is the area surrounding a sundial. Already, this makes a strange scene.

All mimsy were the borogoves,

“Mimsy” means flimsy and miserable, and a “borogove” is a thin shabby-looking bird with its feathers sticking out, kind of like a live mop.

 And the mome raths outgrabe.

Well “mome” means “from home”, or lost, and a “rath” is a sort of green pig. To “outgrabe” is to bellow, whistle, and sneeze at the same time.

Now, put it all together and this is what you get:

It was 4 P.M., and the badger-lizard-corkscrews
Were spinning around and making holes in the ground in the area near a sundial;
The ruffled birds were flimsy and miserable,
And the lost green pigs were bellowing, whistling, and sneezing at the same time.

Even translated, its gibberish. But at least its real words now.

This first stanza is the one that makes the least sense, so I should be able to take the rest a full stanza at a time.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

This kinda makes sense. The “Jabberwock” is evidently a Jabberwocky, a beast with sharp jaws and claws. A “Jubjub bird” is a large, dangerous bird. “Frumious” apparently means fuming and furious, while a “Bandersnatch” is a long-necked creature that is extremely fast and dangerous. This is not a Bandersnatch. Thus, we have the following:

“Beware the beast, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the large killer bird, and shun
The fuming and furious long-necked fast thing!”

I think I get it!

He took his vorpal sword in hand.
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

All right. So a “vorpal sword” is like a supernatural sword like Excalibur. “Manxome “means fearsome, and a “tumtum” is a type of drum. A tree is, well, a tree (so this?), giving us:

He took his supernatural sword in hand.
Long time the fearsome foe he sought—
So rested he by the drum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

Kinda weird, but okay.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

Well, “uffish”tells us that the voice is gruff, the manner rough, and the temper huffy (take gruff, rough and huff[y], add “ish,” and you get the “uffish” sound Carroll is referring to.)  “Eyes of flame” is self explanatory. To “whiffle” is to move or think erratically.  “Tulgey” means thick and dark. This is a tulgey wood. To “burble” is to make a continuous murmuring noise.

And as in gruff, rough, huffy thought he stood
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame
Came moving erratically through the thick and dark wood
And murmured as it came!

Well, that’s different.

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

This is pretty easy. We know what a vorpal sword is, so all we need is “galumphing,” meaning to move in a clumsy way.

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The supernatural blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went moving clumsily back.

It made sense! Yay!

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.

“Hast thou” means “have you.”  “Beamish” means beaming with happiness, so smiling and joyful. “Frabjous” can mean wonderful, incredible, or delicious (a delicious day?) See, ’cause they’re dates, like dates on a calendar, which are days… Clever. “Calooh” and “callay” are exclamations like “yippy!” and “woohoo!”. To “chortle” is to laugh in a strange way.

“And have you slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my happy boy!
O delicious day! Calooh! Callay!”
He laughed awkwardly in his joy.

There you have it! “Wait, Lewis,” you may ask, “what about the seventh stanza?” “Are you incompetent?” “Can you not read?” “Have you goofed something else up?” No, I haven’t. If you go back a bit, you may see that the last stanza is the exact same as the first. So, if everyone stops blaming me for everything, you will notice that we are done. But, no fear, I will now compile the entirety of the translated poem. Ta da!

Jabberwocky (readable version)

It was 4 P.M., and the badger-lizard-corkscrews
Were spinning around and making holes in the ground in the area near a sundial;
The ruffled birds were flimsy and miserable,
And the lost green pigs were bellowing, whistling, and sneezing at the same time.

“Beware the beast, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the large killer bird, and shun
The fuming and furious long-necked fast thing!”

He took his supernatural sword in hand.
Long time the fearsome foe he sought—
So rested he by the drum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in gruffish, roughish, huffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came moving erratically through the thick and dark wood,
And murmured as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The supernatural blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went moving clumsily back.

“And have you slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my happy boy!
O delicious day! Calooh! Callay!”
He laughed awkwardly in his joy.

It was 4 P.M., and the badger-lizard-corkscrews
Were spinning around and making holes in the ground in the area near a sundial;
The ruffled birds were flimsy and miserable,
And the lost green pigs were bellowing, whistling, and sneezing at the same time.

Left 4 Dead 2: Why Is It The Greatest?

Left 4 Dead 2, a game released in November of 2009, was the turning point for an entire genre. You’re probably thinking, “oh, yeah, I’ve played a zombie FPS before.” In reality, you have not experienced the full package until you can genuinely say you have played Left 4 Dead 2 with the full mod packages.

This leads me to my first point. This game is so heavily modded you could go from attacking Teletubbies to a giant model of Shrek. (My great friend Noah is writing a sub-section of this article highlighting the top mods in L4D2 – oh, and by the way, for writing purposes, I will be calling Left 4 Dead 2 “L4D2.“) The game is random and creative for this reason. The mods available to the player are endless. Also, if you have a great idea for a mod, you are able to easily create your idea and turn it into a reality with how easy the mod engine is. This game is basically a sandbox where players can unite as a community and share any ideas they have. In this article I will be covering the modding community, how L4D2 opened a new door in gaming, and general gameplay.

L4D2 isn’t just fun because of the zombies, the blood, the funny characters, or the weapons, it has had a much larger effect on the gaming community. For example, if L4D2 was not created, much of the modding done on today’s games would definitely be lacking. Game producers like Bethesda realized from Valve’s L4D2 that the base game they create is not the end. Valve discovered this when allowing the players to control and make the game fit the player instead of the player fitting to the game. With how customizable L4D2 is, it made the possibilities for this game endless. For this reason, L4D2 is still one of the top-grossing games of all time.

Valve really pleased the community with the graphics of L4D2. While the graphics aren’t very high quality, that opened the world of gaming to those who at that time couldn’t run the highest quality games. Also, for this reason, the modding community was able to make their own graphics for the game! The game’s almost indie-style graphics opened the door to anyone who wanted to play the game.

The game’s multiplayer access is worth looking at, as well. With the online aspect of the game, you really have to play as a team, as opposed to other zombie horror games of its time. Suddenly, chopping off the heads of zombies was less important, and the survival of your teamates became priority. Sure, it’s fun to hit the head of a zombie off with a guitar, but your teamates are what really get you through whatever event or problem you’re trying to solve. The game’s multiplayer platform really creates bonds between the players and ultimately the entire community.

Left 4 Dead 2 is truly a game that will never be forgotten. As a result of the simple genius of Valve, it has been ranked one of the top 25 games of all time.

For kicks and giggles, here’s a picture of just exactly what these mods can do for the game itself.